Update - March 5, 2010

There has been a lot happen since the last post ! I began the process of going to Dallas right after I received the news about the CT scan and a week ago today, Feb. 26, the pieces fell into place for me to go. I flew to Dallas Monday, March 1, had my screening appointment Tuesday, March 2 and flew back home Wednesday, March 3. I have also had a chance to discuss my CT scan with my family doctor on Thursday, March 4. A huge bonus to all of this was that my son who lives in Texas and his family all came to meet me in Dallas and I had time with him, my dear daughter-in-law and my three 'grands'. So, as you can see, it's been quite a week.

The experience in Dallas was very informative. We had over 2 hours in the Research Center and received a lot of information. I can be admitted to that trial if I so choose. If I do, I need to return there March 16 to start, and will continue to go there every three weeks as long as the treatment is working. Since it is a private research center, most of the financial costs would be covered by the foundation or the sponsoring drug company. I would be responsible for my own travel and accomodation costs. They were very OK with getting anything medical done in Ontario that I could and just having the information sent to them - blood work, CT scans, etc. So - it all looks good. It would be a big expense in physical effort though for me - I found the week tiring and I didn't have any stray chemicals floating around to deal with. The nurse-practitioner who was speaking with us said that a clinical trial with a drug called a PARP-1 Inhibitor would be the best type of trial for my kind of breast cancer but that they weren't doing anything with them. (My oncologist had already told me this too.) She also advised trying experimental drugs first, because they have very specific criteria as to who can be admitted to the trials; I am already excluded from a trial for a PARP-1 drug that my oncologist knew about because I had started on the carboplatin. The 'standard of care' drugs can be held in reserve for later in the process because they are known quantities - it's known what they will do. So - lots of information, no clear path to a decision as yet.

My family doctor more or less seconded this advice yesterday, regarding the clinical trials and advised me to keep as many options open as possible for a long as possible. The progression shown in the CT scan is not measurable apparently - just identifiable. I still feel that this is the most bizarre experience of my life. I look perfectly normal and healthy - good colour, can do normal things, etc. and yet there is apparently this disease growing inside me. It's extremely difficult to reconcile the two and make the plans that are necessary for the future. When I retired, one of my goals at the top of my 'To Do' list was to clean out this house - 35 years' worth of 'stuff' accumulated from children now gone, parents' homes after they left us, school papers, etc. - and I still want to do that. It seems even more urgent now and involves so many decisions that will be hard to make.

On a brighter note, the time I had with my Texans was very enjoyable. Baby Emmy is filled out, bright-eyed and energetic and gives those wonderful baby grins. It was so good to see this 'preemie' doing so well. Lily and Clay were happy to see me although Lily still isn't really sure who I am and they were not sure why they found me in a hotel in Dallas, but apart from that, we had a good visit. Steve and Kristen continue to be the amazing, loving support that they have always been - I am very blessed.

This weekend is a big birthday bash - we had to postpone the celebration for David's birthday on Feb. 26 since he and I both had terrible chest colds. It turned out to be a good decision because the weather was also terrible. Plans are to celebrate this Saturday, which is also our youngest son's birthday, so we can do 2 for 1. Three out of our four kids will be here and at least two of them will come to Windsor to my appointment with my oncologist on Monday morning.

That will be another big decision day - we have our input from Dallas and my doctor will have her options to discuss with us. I will have to decide whether or not to proceed with the option in Dallas or one of the other options that will come up. As I said earlier, the best thing (I think - but I'm not the expert here) would be to get into a clinical trial for a PARP-1 Inhibitor drug, since it seems to be having a lot of success with triple-negative breast cancer, but I don't have information on one that I could qualify for. I am booked for chemo on Tuesday, March 9 but if I choose to take the option in Dallas, I might not be able to do that. So - We would appreciate prayer that the decision will be clear to make. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice - nobody knows what will work and what won't - it's all trial and error, since each person and each cancer responds in its own way.

It's getting harder to be positive and calm in the face of all this - I have had some really bad days in the last two weeks and have been very frightened of what the future might hold. However, I have fought my way back to my conviction that God is in this with me and is preparing the way for me in all things. There are just so many little confirmations - the man I met on the plane on the way back from Dallas, who told me about his brother-in-law's cancer and how positive he was about it, and who urged me to 'pray for guidance and keep on fighting'...the friend who called as I was just going out the door to the airport Monday that I hadn't talked to for months who 'just felt she had to call' and who encouraged me as I was starting out on the trip...my son who took days off work to be with me in Dallas...I am sent lots of help, often from people I do not know.

My sister advised me to read the Psalms and I found this in Psalm 116: Death stared me in the face - I was frightened and sad. (I thought - Yeah ! That's me, alright!) Then I cried, 'Lord, save me!' How kind He is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours. The Lord protects the simple and childlike; I was facing death and He saved me. Now I can relax. (Still working on that!) For the Lord had done this wonderful miracle for me. He saved me from death, my eyes from tears and my feet from stumbling. I shall live ! Yes, in His presence - here on earth.

I do not know how it will all turn out but I know who will be with me and going ahead of me to prepare the way and I just have to not forget that.

May your day be a good one ! Thank you again for your interest, support and prayers. They are always appreciated.